It’s really easy to give a lot of yourself to someone who really isn’t giving you anything. And the funny part about it, which isn’t actually funny at all, is that you KNOW this. You know it isn’t right. It doesn’t feel right, doesn’t look right, just is not right. But you continue. I have continued. And I’m wondering why. Why is it easier to give out second (and third, and fourth and fifth) chances than to walk away? Probably fear I guess, fear of loneliness, regret even. It’s so weird how you can live your whole life feeling yourself, LOVING yourself, and then you meet someone and it all changes. You question whether you’re good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough.
I’ve been in this rut for awhile now and it sucks. I hate feeling like I need or want validation from someone else, a man especially. People say, “be your own biggest fan” but that shits not easy man. I’m ranting now but there’s just some people you wish you never met. Or you never gave a second chance too. But you’re in so deep, you’re so exposed that you almost want to stay so that they can fall in love with the person you know that you are. How fucked is that. Like, I’m amazing and I want you to know that. But I hate you fuck you forever.
You’re not quite my boyfriend and I don’t really know what to call you but it doesn’t really matter. All I know is that I’m drunk and I miss you. And when I’m sober I’ll miss you. Not sure what’s worse.