Meeting him was a painful experience but an important lesson. He was the manifestation of everything I thought I was attracted to. It didn’t matter that we had nothing in common - he was my idea of who I was supposed to be with. So when I knew I wasn’t the only one in the picture, rather than leaving, I tried harder. Tried harder to be like her. Tried harder to be what I thought he wanted. And so now, I don’t think that was fair to myself. He never got to know the real me. And in a way, I guess thats a blessing. I never want to do that again. I never want to fight for a mans attention especially if it means changing myself. 

Despite only being in my life for a short time, these memories and these lessons they stick with me. I guess I thank him for that. Thank you for being awful because its made me that much better. 

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I once had a boy get off the phone with me and tell me he loved the sound of my voice. And ever so often, he’d tell me he’d think about my voice. And dream about my voice. And we’re not together anymore but I never loved my voice until we met. I actually really thank him for telling me that. I love my voice more because of him even though I don’t love him anymore.

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I miss my man
I miss his face and his arms and his freckles
I just wanna kiss him and fall asleep on his chest and let him touch me in inappropriate places

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I love Patrick with all my heart.

He makes me want to be a better person so that I can be better for him.

Words can’t describe how I feel but I’ll spend every day trying to explain.

Actions can’t describe how I feel but I’ll spend every day trying to make him feel like the most incredible man because thats what he is.

I can’t wait for this new chapter because all I want to do is start being great for him. And great for me. And great for us. 

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I went out with this kid a few times but stopped cause he was illiterate and was also going out with this other girl. We weren’t exclusive so I didn’t really care that he went on dates with someone else except for the fact that she called him her boyfriend. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him. But like, the girl who’s white says the N word all the time and I think he thought it was cute and funny. His friends say it too. Like pause. You’re a Lord of the Rings lookin dude from Cape fucking Cod. Check yourself. You and your team are crusty. White people that say the N word are crusty. In general, if you hear a non black person say the N word and say nothing, you are crusty. So nowadays whenever I wonder what could have been, I remember that he’s a 25 year old man with two bachelors degrees that doesn’t know how to spell and says nothing when his white friends say the N word and then I feel better because I don’t fuck with ignorance and clearly that’s what he is suffering from. Especially since he didn’t realize I was a dime til after I left. Ha I’m kidding about the last part but no really he’s an idiot. Cause if that’s what your friends say out in the open, who knows what he says behind closed doors when he’s not a friendly white man taking a black girl to the movies

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